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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22482619">Hate to love, time is all we get</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sencire/pseuds/sencire'>sencire</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ALL THE FLUFF, Chapter 8 is not a real chapter, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Hurt, I did not write the fluff tag in capitals, Shameless Smut, They love each other they really do, and all the love, attempted comfort, do not repost without permission, guess the system read chapter 6 already, i guess, it may just take a little time, only an image ... sorry ;-), rated e to be safe for upcoming chapters, that happened automatically, you never know what they might get up to</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:22:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22482619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sencire/pseuds/sencire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“The deal was for you to bring her unharmed.”<br/>“She did not come easy.”<br/>“I expect not.”<br/>A different take on how this scene could have played out. Clarke is broken and even Lexa can't perform miracles, but she tries.</p><p>Inspired by a picture of lonely, heartbroken Lexa on the balcony after the original scene. You know which one. I did not want to see that look on Lexa's face ever again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>399</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>As soon as the bag is removed, Lexa is hit by venomous arrows shot from blue eyes that had once looked upon her so softly. It stings. Clarke is tied up, gagged, dirty and staring at her like a trapped wild animal. Dangerous but with all these people around, she is also in danger herself.</p><p>“Hello Clarke,” Lexa says as gently as she can.</p><p>Slowly walking down the steps from her throne, she stops right in front of Clarke. Before turning her head towards Roan, Lexa has already fixed her eyes on him, giving him an icy look.</p><p>“The deal was for you to bring her unharmed.”</p><p>“She did not come easy.”</p><p>“I expect not.”</p><p>Clarke has lowered her head, body slumping forward. Lexa moves before she can think. She quickly drops to one knee, holding Clarke up with one hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“Heda!” Titus scolding voice is heard from behind her. Without turning, Lexa lifts her other hand, silencing him.</p><p>“Leave us. All of you. Now!”</p><p>Out of the corner of her eye, she watches Titus walk past her, slowing when he is right next to her.</p><p>“You heard me.”</p><p>Titus scowls but folds his hands at his front, nods and obliges.</p><p>“Honor our deal.”</p><p>Lexa looks up at Roan, then she tilts her chin at the two warriors flanking him. She needs to get them all out of here.</p><p>“I’ll honor our deal when your queen honors my coalition. Lock Prince Roan of Azgeda away.”</p><p>When the guards have finally closed the doors behind them, Lexa wraps both her arms around Clarke. She does not remember her so frail. She feels broken. Lexa gently lifts Clarke’s head up to remove the gag. Clarke moans quietly and lets her head sink against Lexa’s shoulder.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispers, leaning her cheek on Clarke’s dirty hair.</p><p>“Lexa —.“ The sound of the strained voice almost brings tears to her eyes. She had never wanted this to happen.</p><p>“Are you hurt?”</p><p>Lexa feels a shaking of the head against her shoulder. Clarke mumbles something Lexa can’t understand so she moves back, holding Clarke by her arms to keep her from falling over. She takes her knife and reaches behind Clarke to cut her ties.</p><p>“Can you stand?” Lexa asks, gently pulling Clarke’s arm up as she moves to stand. Finally, Clarke lifts her head to look at her.</p><p>“Why did you do it?” Clarke croaks, barely containing her hatred. Her eyes are dull, her lips quiver. Lexa can’t tell if it’s from exhaustion or from anger.</p><p>“I saw the chance to save my people and I took it.”</p><p>There is more she wants to say. Perhaps that Clarke would have done the same. Or that she is so deeply sorry that she has choked every time she has thought about Clarke in the past weeks. How worried she was about her. Her thoughts come to a sudden stop when Clarke unexpectedly snatches the knife she is still holding from her hand. Not quite as weak as Lexa had thought, Clarke rushes up to press the knife against Lexa’s throat.</p><p>Lexa gulps. She lifts her chin, determined not to show any fear, clenching her jaw tightly.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>For long moments, Clarke stares at her with wild eyes, then the mask cracks. She pulls the knife away as quickly as she brought it up and drops it to the floor. She’s crying, staggering backwards, away from Lexa. Unsure of what to do, Lexa just stands there, her hands clasping at nothing.</p><p>Clarke catches her heel on the step that runs along the side of the throne room and stumbles. With a muffled scream, she twists and falls. Lexa is by her side in an instant.</p><p>“Clarke –,” she cries, attempting to touch the distraught woman who is sobbing in front of her.</p><p>Clarke is half sitting, half laying on the step, leaning away from Lexa, her body shaking while her tears fall onto the stone floor. Lexa sits down next to her. She doesn’t touch her but she starts to hum. It’s a tune her mother used to sing to her when Lexa was a little girl and couldn’t stop crying. She turns and looks at Clarke. Her heart will never heal again; it’s a lie when people say time will heal all wounds. But Clarke is strong. She will learn to live despite the scars. They will shape her and harden her, eventually leaving her stronger. There is nothing anyone can do to prevent the nightmares. They will come. They always do.</p><p>On the spur of the moment, Lexa leans over Clarke, covering her body with her own, cradling her in her arms while humming the last notes of her song. Clarke stiffens and the crying stops for a moment. Then a hand reaches for Lexa’s arm, nails digging into her triceps and Lexa can feel them leaving scratches on her skin. She thinks to herself that she deserves them. Eventually, Clarke’s fingers still and she lets out a long, painful moan.</p><p>“Shhh.” She hopes it to be a soothing sound. Her arms tighten around the other woman and she hopes they make her feel safe. Lexa isn’t sure safety is something Clarke will take from her. The thought feels like a cold hand around her heart, slowly tightening, the pain so real that Lexa’s breath catches. They sit like that until the tears stop falling.</p><p>“I can’t hate you.”</p><p>It’s the first thing Clarke says after her body finally stops shaking. Lexa doesn’t reply, she only lifts her head and turns it to rest her other cheek on Clarke’s back. Clarks tries to shift but Lexa’s bodyweight is limiting her movements.</p><p>“Did you fall asleep?” she asks with a tired, cranky voice.</p><p>“No, Clarke, I’m not sleeping. It would be unwise around you right now.”</p><p>But she moves to allow Clarke to sit up. The tears have dragged wet lines through the dirt on her face. She wipes her nose on her sleeve and snorts her snot back up. Lexa flinches at the sound.</p><p>“I need a bath and clean clothes and I don’t want to see you. I need time.”</p><p>It stings again. But Clarke’s voice is no longer dripping with hate.</p><p>“I will make sure your needs are taken care of. And I will respect your wishes.”</p><p>Lexa rises and holds out a hand to help Clarke up. At first it looks as if Clarke will reject it, but then she takes her hand and allows Lexa to pull her up. Several moments pass as they stand face to face. There’s a tiny shimmer in Clarke’s eyes now that was not there before.</p><p>Resuming a straight pose, Lexa folds her hands behind her back. She nods once and turns to open the door. The guards outside immediately spring into action but she shakes her head and they stand back.</p><p>“Lexa –“</p><p>She turns around, holding the door ajar. Clarke has wrapped her arms around her body and sighs heavily.</p><p>“Yes, Clarke?”</p><p>“That song. It was pretty.” Slowly, dragging her feet, Clarke makes her way past Lexa who opens the door wider. Before stepping out into the hallway, Clarke pauses to put her hand on Lexa’s arm, giving it a light squeeze. Her hand drops away and she walks out into the corridor, waiting.</p><p>“Send for Nyko,” Lexa instructs one of the guards who leaves right away.</p><p>She motions to Clarke to follow her.</p><p>“I will take you to your quarters.”</p><p>Time. She will make sure they have some of that if nothing else.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Being told to stay away and staying away are two very different things.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>Day one after Clarke said she won’t see Lexa.</p><p>After casually strolling down the corridor to check if the guards outside Clarke’s room are on duty (of course they are), Lexa lingers behind a corner until Nyko exits the room. She feels silly but can’t bring herself to leave.</p><p>“How is she?” She pulls him around the corner and leans in, speaking quietly so she won’t be overheard.</p><p>“She’s angry. She won’t let me touch her.”</p><p>“Is she hurt?”</p><p>“Some bumps and scratches. I understand her trip here was rough.”</p><p>Lexa really has no business here; she just wants to make sure Clarke is okay. Nyko is a capable healer, the one she trusts the most. He will make the damage on the outside go away. The damage on the inside is a whole different matter.</p><p>The day before, Lexa had taken Clarke to her room and left her in Nyko’s care. She had arranged for soap and towels to be taken from her personal stock, then sent two trusted maids up for assistance and asked the cooks to prepare some food. It was all she could do. She could see to Clarke being fed and cleaned and dressed.</p><p>But Lexa knows the real damage is invisible. She swallows down the lump in her throat. Suddenly she remembers something that she needs to get to Clarke.</p><p>Nyko looks at her with curiosity.</p><p>“Heda –“ He hesitates.</p><p>“Speak, Nyko.”</p><p>“I was with her all night. She didn’t sleep. She just sits there and stares.”</p><p>She ponders this for a moment, then turns to look back at the door. Clarke is in there and Lexa knows better than to walk up to the door now and demand to see her. But it is what she wants to do. Her personal relationships never go as far as wanting to be with someone to make them feel better. Not anymore. The concept of guilt is not all new to her but it has been a while. Since Costia.</p><p>“You may go,” she tells Nyko and walks back slowly past Clarke’s door. She slows almost unnoticeably right in front but there is no sound. Her steps quicken again and she almost runs to her own private quarters. She finds what she’s looking for without needing to search. She had it brought to her after they had taken down the camp after Mount Weather. Running her hand across the item, she closes her eyes and inhales deeply. There it is again, the lump in her throat and she can’t will it away this time. It’s threatening to choke her. She swallows dryly but only makes it feel worse.</p><p>She takes her find to one of the guards outside and tells him to bring it to Clarke right away. Then she closes the door again, holding on to the handle and leaning her forehead against the cool metal. A single tear runs slowly down her cheek and she can feel it tickling but she doesn’t move to wipe it away.</p><p> </p><p>----------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Day two after Clarke said she won’t see her. Listening to Nyko’s report on Clarke’s recovery at noon, she finds things pretty much unchanged. According to the healer, Clarke still doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t speak, she doesn’t eat and hardly drinks any water. She has not thrown out Lexa’s gift, although she hasn’t touched it. It was put in front of her and she has been staring at it ever since.</p><p>Lexa had thought it would bring Clarke some distraction. Maybe she was wrong and instead it brought back memories Clarke didn’t want to remember.</p><p>Lexa hasn’t slept well last night and feels tired. The smug Azgeda ambassador pushes her too far. It’s enough to have to listen to Titus go on about weakness all day long. At least he has her best interest in mind or what the thinks to be her best interests. The ambassador only wants to taunt her. So when she kicks him over the edge, it’s because he has pushed her over hers before.</p><p>She feels weak but she won’t let anyone see that.</p><p>That night, she lies in bed and thinks back to the moment when Clarke realized Lexa’s betrayal. The look of disbelief on her face, the shock, the hurt. Lexa doesn’t know what exactly happened after that but she’s heard the stories of Wanheda. Yet she can’t shake the image of Clarke standing there when Lexa turned and walked away. The commander in her had taken the chance to save her people and she had deliberately shut down all other feelings. My people come first was what she had been telling herself. Ordering herself to believe. She would probably make the same decision again. And part of her wonders if Clarke would have done the same in her position. Lexa had to rely on people she knew next to nothing about, who had attacked her before and who were still the unknown factor in a game where knowledge was everything. While the mountain men, so she had come to learn, were trapped inside their mountain where they would stay if Lexa could only keep her people away from it.</p><p>She finds many reasons, all of them justifying her decision. Half way through the night she tells herself she doesn’t need a single one because she doesn’t need to justify her actions at all.</p><p> </p><p>----------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Day three and four pass slowly but surely between meetings and training the Nightbloods. Lexa takes extra care to teach a lesson on wisdom, compassion and strength. Aden almost knocks her out with his staff when she doesn’t pay attention and the bruise on her temple reminds her of pillar four: foresight.</p><p>On the fifth day, Lexa finds herself in front of Clarke’s room again at night. She knocks. She has never knocked on any door before. Clarke doesn’t tell her to come in but Lexa does so anyway.</p><p>Clarke is sitting in a chair, her drawing pad in her lap, but her hand isn’t moving. She looks up.</p><p>“What part of ‘I don’t want to see you’ was unclear?”</p><p>Lexa stands by the door with her hands folded behind her back, studying Clarke.</p><p>“I’m glad you have accepted my gift,” she says, pointing at the drawing pad with her chin.</p><p>Clarke looks at it with a frown. She looks better. Her hair is clean, so is her skin, and she is wearing clean clothes that Lexa had sent to her. They’re from her own wardrobe but Clarke doesn’t have to know that. A plate with bread and meat sits on the table untouched.</p><p>“Did you eat?”</p><p>Still no answer. Lexa takes a step further into the room. Clarke’s head shoots up and her blue eyes pierce Lexa’s heart. It knocks the breath from her lungs before she can catch herself again. She presses the last air out and forces an inhale before her insides loosen up enough for her to speak again.</p><p>“Clarke --,” she starts, trying to meet the other woman’s eyes. They look so sad. Lexa hears her own voice in her head. I stand by my decision. But she doesn’t say it because it doesn’t matter right now.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Lexa says.</p><p>Which is as untrue as her straight pose. She takes yet another step closer and when Clarke doesn’t move, only keeps her eyes on her and watches her, she walks to the other chair next to Clarke’s and sits down. If she leans over just a little bit, she can touch her.</p><p>Why does she feel so defeated?</p><p>“We don’t have to talk.”</p><p>I will just sit here with you.</p><p>She can see Clarke has difficulties keeping her straight face. So Lexa reaches over and puts her hand on Clarke’s knee. Clarke looks at it as if it’s burning her. Then her eyes close. And the tears come again. Silently and slowly, running down her cheeks.</p><p>“I can’t bare it, Lexa. I killed all those people,” Clarke chokes out. “I don’t know how to live with myself anymore.”</p><p>Lexa squeezes her knee gently, then lets go and takes Clarke’s hand. She lifts it up to her mouth and touches her lips to it lightly. Clarke lets her. The drawing pad slides from her lap and tumbles to the floor, pages falling open to reveal a picture of Lexa. Her own face, the moment before turning around and leaving Clarke alone. She can see it in her eyes, Clarke has captured it perfectly. How sorry she was even in that moment.</p><p>Lexa feels sick. Her eyes are burning and she realizes she has started to cry too. She reaches up to cup Clarke’s cheek and pulls her in.</p><p>“You made me do it,” Clarke bursts out, limply trying to pull away. “You forced my hand when I pulled the lever.”</p><p>Lexa doesn’t know which lever she means but it doesn’t matter right now. She has no comfort to offer other than her touch. She blinks away her tears and presses a kiss to Clarke’s hair.</p><p>“I told you, victory stands on the back of sacrifice. I saved my people, you saved yours. The mountain men were a threat that needed to be removed and you did that. My people are grateful to you. I am grateful to you. That is not to diminish the weight of your sacrifice, Clarke. I know. I have been there too.”</p><p>She pauses to see if Clarke responds in any way. She has turned her face away from Lexa but seems to be listening. A single tear runs down her cheek and Lexa catches it with her thumb.</p><p>“We honor the dead. But we also need to honor the living. You are alive.”</p><p>“But not living, Lexa, this is not living!”</p><p>“No. This is surviving.”</p><p>Lexa grabs Clarke’s other hand and pulls until Clarke is facing her. There is no resistance.</p><p>“Look at me.”</p><p>Clarke does. The tears have subsided.</p><p>“You were born to be a great leader. You may not want to be but your people need you. You can save them. When you’re ready, I have an offer for you.”</p><p>Clarke gives her a puzzled look. Lexa had not planned to mention this now but it seems she has found a way through to Clarke. She has thought about this every night now since Clarke was brought to her.</p><p>“Come.” Lexa stands and pulls Clarke up with her.</p><p>“Nyko tells me you are not sleeping much. You need to rest. You’re safe here, there are no demands, no choices to be taken right now. You can rest. Come.”</p><p>She leads her over to the bed, sits her down on the edge and leans to pull off Clarke’s boots. It’s like trying to play with a giant doll.</p><p>“I’m so tired, Lexa.”</p><p>Lexa helps her into the bed and covers her up with some furs. Clarke turns on her side, pulling up the furs as if she wants to hide under them. Lexa stands and looks down at her. She doesn’t want to leave her alone. She has been alone enough. The bed creaks a little when she gets in too. Half expecting Clarke to lash out at her, she scoots a little closer until she is right behind Clarke, molding her body to hers. Clarke reaches behind her to grab Lexa’s arm and pulls it around her. She takes her hand and places it under her head. It’s uncomfortable and Lexa shifts up a bit to avoid her arm being twisted too much.</p><p>Clarke growls sleepily until she stills again and it makes Lexa smile. Her breath evens out quickly. It’s a start.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Taking the last step before the first never works well.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>Lexa has never been a deep sleeper. It’s not a good thing for commanders. She is used to being ready at any time, even at night. So when a hand slowly slides underneath her shirt and touches her bare skin, she is instantly awake.</p><p>At some point they must have moved because Clarke is now lying half on top of her. One of her legs is draped across Lexa’s thighs. It feels nice, Lexa has to admit. She feels fingertips move across her stomach and along her ribcage. There is a scar there and the fingers pause when they touch it, gently running along it until they reach smooth skin again.</p><p>She holds her breath. Is Clarke awake or is she doing this in her sleep?</p><p>“Clarke,” she whispers and the hand stills just below her right breast. Lexa doesn’t remember taking off her coat but it must have been too warm under the furs. She’s no longer wearing it. She doesn’t even remember falling asleep. She remembers a feeling of warmth spreading inside of her after settling into bed, holding Clarke. The blonde hair had tickled her nose but it had smelled so good. She had wondered where to put her other arm and finally rested her head on it. And she remembers how Clarke’s breaths had become deeper, the steady up and down of her chest. Now Lexa is lying on her back and Clarke has snuggled up really close.</p><p>The hand on her skin inches upwards and Lexa is beginning to feel hot. She puts her hand over Clarke’s and turns her head. She can see the candlelight reflecting in Clarke’s eyes. She’s looking at Lexa. She’s not sleeping.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Lexa asks breathlessly.</p><p>“Ignoring the fact that I feel like this because of you.”</p><p>Clarke pulls her hand from Lexa’s and continues moving it up unerringly, sliding it across Lexa’s breast. It makes Lexa gasp and she can feel her body react, her nipples hardening instantly. Oh no. Clarke’s hand squeezes and Lexa lets out a little moan. It seems to encourage Clarke even more. She shifts and a moment later presses her lips to Lexa’s. Who gasps again and opens her mouth because she can’t breathe anymore. Clarke lets her tongue dive in, just once, and moves on top of Lexa.</p><p>“Stop!”</p><p>Lexa can taste Clarke on her tongue and it’s nice. She liked their first kiss and she likes this even more. But it has to stop.</p><p>She puts her hands on Clarke’s shoulder and pushes her away. The hand on Lexa’s breast disappears and Lexa misses its touch right away. She pulls her shirt down just as Clarke is coming closer again.</p><p>“Lexa --” Her name is just a breath from Clarke’s mouth. “Please.”</p><p>Clarke leans in once more, trying to kiss Lexa again who turns her head so Clarke’s lips land on her cheek instead. She moves them to Lexa’s neck, lightly sucking and licking along. It takes all of Lexa’s strength to push her away this time.</p><p>“Don’t you want me?”</p><p>“Clarke --”</p><p>She wants her. She does. But this doesn’t feel right.</p><p>“I need to feel something.”</p><p>Oh. Okay.</p><p>“You’re not yourself, Clarke. Don’t make us do something we will regret in the morning.”</p><p>Finally, Clarke lets go of her.</p><p>“Regret?” she says and Lexa can see her face fall and a shimmering trail appears on her cheeks.</p><p>“Shit.” Clarke jerks away and buries her face in the pillow. The room suddenly feels cold.</p><p>Lexa turns on her side and props herself up on one arm.</p><p>“Clarke,” she starts but closes her mouth again. She doesn’t know what to say. Or do. She has been wondering about Clarke being so meek. Lexa had been prepared for a lot, like being yelled at, or being hit, or even being spat at. But apart from the half-hearted attempt to slit her throat, Clarke has been too tame towards Lexa. Not at all like Wanheda. Not at all like the storm Lexa had expected. She had seen it in Clarke’s eyes on the day she was brought in. They had no longer been showing the sky. Lexa just hadn’t wanted to realize what it meant.</p><p>She realizes it now. What is happening right now proves Lexa’s fear to be true. She is not the one to offer Clarke consolation. She won’t heal with Lexa around. Clarke needs more time.</p><p>“I have to go.”</p><p>Clarke doesn’t move while Lexa gets up and picks up her coat from the floor. She grabs her boots and backs away from the bed.</p><p>“Niylah didn’t mind me in her bed. In fact, she loved it.”</p><p>Lexa stops, confused.</p><p>“Who is Niylah?”</p><p>“I fucked her.”</p><p>The words don’t miss their target. Lexa’s heart drops to her stomach like a ball of fire. It burns her up from inside. She blinks and looks down, almost expecting to find arrows lodged in her chest.</p><p>“If this is your way of getting back at me, it won’t work.”</p><p>Lexa doesn’t look back up. She turns on her heel and quickly makes her way to the door. She doesn’t want to hear another word. Oh, it hurts. She wants to scream but she can’t and she has to leave now. She rips the door open and storms out, not missing the strange look the guards give their commander leaving the other woman’s room in the middle of the night. She hears a snicker and turns back to grab the guard closest to her by the throat.</p><p>“Is there anything you wanted to say?” she growls and digs her nails into his skin. She feels his pulse throbbing. With fear-widended eyes, he manages to shake his head and she lets go of him. He slumps back against the door.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Lexa turns again and makes her way to her room on the same floor. She’s not even wearing her boots. What a picture she must be with her ruffled hair and rumpled clothes. Slamming the door shut, Lexa stands there panting with anger. Her head spins as if it’s about to explode. A quick look into the mirror shows her an utterly disheveled woman. Like a madwoman. She drops her boots and throws her coat onto the couch, for a moment just wanting to lie down on it and go to sleep. Then she walks out on the balcony, filling her lungs with cool air. She feels like a fool. How could she think she would be the one to heal Clarke when she has been the cause of her pain?</p><p>She grabs the railing and leans forward to look down. It’s confusing because earlier tonight, Clarke had seemed to have listened to her reasoning. Perhaps Lexa had expected too much, and because of it had taken too many steps too fast. Someone as deeply attached to her feelings as Clarke could not so easily let go of the heart and listen to the head. The Sky Child, not used to the pacing on the ground. But then, who is she kidding? Lexa has long let go of her detachment to her own feelings. It had been clear to everyone the moment she had dropped to her knees to catch Clarke from falling over. There had been nothing else on her mind and no one in the room with them. It had needed Titus’ stern voice to bring her back to the present moment.</p><p>Lexa shakes her head in anger. Oh, this girl drives her mad. She can’t even think straight anymore. And who is this Niylah? Lexa wonders if she should find her. She looks up, scanning the horizon. She can see far from her tower. It’s all black now. But the more she looks at it, the more she notices the layers. It’s not all the same kind of darkness.</p><p>Maybe there is another layer to Clarke’s pain. Clarke really is smart enough to realize she had done what was necessary, they both had. But Lexa had offered to take her to Polis. She had kissed her. Clarke had told her she was not yet ready. What was that if not a promise. Their hearts had promised each other something. What if the color of this other layer is not the red of the blood of the dead, but the red of a bleeding heart?</p><p>Pushing herself back from the railing, Lexa lifts her head and lets the cool night air gently caress her hot face. She shivers remembering Clarke’s touch. Too many steps, too fast. Wisdom, Lexa, she scolds herself. This isn’t it. Sometimes she wishes for a confidant. What would they tell her now? She closes her eyes and listens.</p><p>A little while later, Lexa makes her way back to Clarke’s room. As she approaches the door, the guards shuffle anxiously and try not to look at her at all. She considers knocking again but decides against it.</p><p>“Open!” she orders the guards and glares at them as she walks through the door. She waits for them to close the door behind her, then walks into the room, swallowing hard to get rid of the bits of pride stuck in her throat.</p><p>Clarke is still in bed, curled up into a ball. Lexa sits down on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“You’re trying to hurt me because I caused you pain, Clarke. I know that. And your words have hurt. I came back to let you know that I will stay away from you. I don’t want to cause you anymore pain. When you’re ready, you know where to find me.”</p><p>Lexa waits for a reaction but there is none. There is nothing else to say right now. So she gets up again. Dawn is approaching and she needs to prepare for the day. She hasn’t felt less ready in a long time. She stands still for a moment, looking down at the lump under the furs, finding it difficult to leave.</p><p>On her way out, Lexa picks up the drawing pad and opens a random page. It’s her again. Her hair is unbraided, falling loosely around her bare shoulders, she's smiling softly. Clarke has never seen her like that. She turns the page but the next one is blank. And the next one. There are no more drawings on the pad. Clarke’s last drawing shows a smiling Lexa.</p><p>She closes the pad and gently puts it back on the table. Clarke is sitting up in bed, clutching the furs to her chest, looking at her. She gives Lexa a slight nod. Lexa returns the gesture. She straightens up and takes a deep breath. Slowly walking towards the door, she notices she’s feeling a little lighter.</p><p>She hasn’t reached a final decision but for now, Niylah will be safe. And she’s still not wearing boots.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Three and a half</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Certain behaviors must not go unpunished.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>For the next few days, Lexa busies herself with her commander duties, sleeping fitfully at night in a bed that feels empty even though she has never shared it with anyone. Titus finally comments when she walks out of a meeting with the ambassadors in the middle of a discussion because, her words, these morons wouldn’t even be able to find their dicks in the dark.</p><p>“Heda, what is the matter with you?”</p><p>Titus almost grabs her arm trying to catch up to her. But he knows better than to touch her. Instead he throws his arms up and hurries after her. Shuffling alongside her, he gestures with his hands clasped together and right now, it just seems silly to Lexa. She manages to stifle a laugh as she glances at him.</p><p>“Heda!” he cries “You cannot speak to them like that.”</p><p>“Can’t I?” Lexa stops suddenly and Titus almost crashes into her. He looks puzzled for a moment.</p><p>“You shouldn’t,” he corrects himself and avoids her gaze by looking down. Lexa lets it linger on his bald head a little longer, then scoffs and walks off.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Titus calls after her.</p><p>“I’m hungry.”</p><p>This time, he doesn’t follow her. Though she’s sure he’ll find her again too soon.</p><p>Lexa makes her way to the kitchen. She never comes here, she has others pass on her requests and orders, so when the cooks and kitchen helpers realize the commander has just strolled in, they almost drop their pots and plates. It’s suddenly very quiet and everyone is staring at her.</p><p>Lexa ignores them, she’s looking for one particular person. She finally spots her coming out of the storerooms. Seeing Lexa, her wrinkled face lights up with a smile.</p><p>“H-heda,” the old woman stammers as she approaches her, wiping her hands on a cloth. She’s the head cook. For many years, even the time before Lexa, she has been around to prepare food for the commander. A simple woman from one of the surrounding small villages but she knows her trade like no-one else. Lexa greets her with a warm smile.</p><p>“May, I’m glad to see you in good health,” Lexa says warmly.</p><p>May bows her head respectfully. She’s quite a bit shorter than Lexa and her back has already begun to bend. She has to tilt her head up now to be able to look at Lexa.</p><p>“Hard wood doesn’t break easily, commander,” she says with a wink. “Is there anything I can help you with?”</p><p>“I think you can. Come over here for a moment.” She guides the cook into a corner by the main door and gives May an earnest look before she speaks.</p><p>“I need you to be very careful with the food you prepare.”</p><p>“I’m always careful, Heda. It’s always only the best for you!” May backs her statement with a fierce nod .</p><p>“I know you do, May,” Lexa says gently, realizing May might have taken her words as an insult.</p><p>With a side glance, she speaks a little louder. “There are people trying to harm me. I’ve received news about threats from Azgeda and we all know how sneaky they are. We don’t want them to put anything in my food, do we?”</p><p>May frowns at her. “Of course, commander.”</p><p>“Extra care, May, I’m very suspicious.” Lexa puts her hand on the older woman’s shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. This puzzles May even more. Lexa is not known to lead by touch unless there’s a blade attached. May frowns again but when Lexa smiles, she nods earnestly.</p><p>“I will tell my workers to be cautious. Everything will go by me first.”</p><p>“Thank you, May. I knew I can rely on you.” Lexa gives her another smile and reaches past her to grab an apple from a basket on the counter behind May. Taking a bite, she sends the bewildered cook back to work and saunters out.</p><p>Passing the doorway, she nods to Bailey who is on guard outside the kitchen. He’s trying so hard not to look at her, it’s almost funny. His neck is still showing the marks from her fingernails.</p><p>Lexa decides to retire to her room for a while. She’s not in the mood to see anyone. She briefly wonders about checking on Clarke but she won’t break her promise. Nyko has assured her Clarke is fine, just very quiet and brooding. Eventually, so Lexa hopes, they will be able to talk.</p><p>Most meals are also official meetings and dinner conversations revolve around politics and economy. It’s tiring and Lexa is already tired. Tonight is a welcome break. She has arranged to eat alone. When she enters the room, the food is already on the table. She has requested the presence of two guards, Gustus being one of them. The other being Bailey.</p><p>Lexa stops beside Gustus.</p><p>“Have you passed on my food requests to May?”</p><p>He nods.</p><p>“Yes, Heda. I believe you will be satisfied.”</p><p>Lexa nods and sits down, reaching for cup of water. She holds it up towards the guards. Gustus approaches the table to do the tasting. He always does. But this time, Lexa raises her other hand and stops him in his tracks. Fixing her eyes on the second guard, she slowly shakes her head.</p><p>“Not tonight, Gustus.”</p><p>She motions for the other guard to come closer. Bailey stiffens and his eyes widen, but he doesn’t move.</p><p>“I remember you,” she says with a slight smile, her eyes burning holes into his skull. She nods a couple of times. “I remember you.”</p><p>Lifting her chin, she purses her lips. Bailey is one of the youngest guards. When she had questioned Gustus about him, she had learned that he had not been a guard for very long and had only been put on duty inside the tower so far.</p><p>“Try it for me.” She puts the cup down and pushes it towards him. His steps seem heavy when he finally moves.</p><p>“Heda,” Gustus says, leaning down to speak to her. “We have received news about Azgeda spies in Polis. We suspect them to have infiltrated the kitchen and food storages. I have ordered all kitchen helpers who have been there less than 6 months to be removed but still --,” he pauses to clear his throat, then looks at her pleadingly. “Let me do the tasting. I am prepared, commander.”</p><p>But Lexa shakes her head, very slowly, staring at the other guard.</p><p>“No. He will do it. I need you, Gustus. But him --,” her voice trails off. Gustus retreats to stand behind her.</p><p>The guard is close enough for Lexa to see he’s sweating despite the room being a little chilly tonight. He gulps. Slowly raising his arm, he reaches for the cup with a trembling hand. He pauses, his eyes darting between his commander’s stern face and the cup.</p><p>“Do it now!” Lexa orders him and he takes the cup. A little water is spilling over.</p><p>“Bailey!” Gustus has lowered his voice to a growl. With two long steps he is beside Bailey. “Are you disobeying your orders?”</p><p>He glares down at the younger guard who has turned pale. He lifts the cup, pausing half way. Finally, brings it all the way to his lips and drinks.</p><p>Lexa waits, observing him closely. Then she turns her head towards Gustus.</p><p>“What was that poison again you cannot taste?”</p><p>Gustus thinks for a moment.</p><p>“I don’t remember the name, Heda. It’s the most vicious when baked into bread. I don’t think they would put it in water.”</p><p>Bailey puts the cup down, his eyes wide, waiting for an effect. Nothing happens.</p><p>“Oh, good, the water seems to be alright. I’m thirsty.”</p><p>Gustus pours her another cup and Lexa drinks it.</p><p>Bailey has started to slowly back away from the table but stops when Lexa frowns at him.</p><p>“Where are you going? You’re not done yet.” Her voice is hard.</p><p>He swallows a few times and looks at the floor. His chest is heaving.</p><p>“Try the bread now.”</p><p>Bailey’s eyes dart to the basket of bread on the table, then to Gustus, his eyes begging. Gustus just looks at him with a blank face.</p><p>“Well?” Lexa says with a raised eyebrow. “Now! I’m hungry.”</p><p>The young guard reaches for a piece of bread.</p><p>“Gustus, do we have an antidote against this particular bread poison? Anything we can keep close by?”</p><p>“I’m afraid there is no antidote, Heda. There’s nothing you can do.”</p><p>“Hm,” Lexa muses.</p><p>She looks up at Bailey, who squeezes his eyes shut with a pained expression on his face and takes a bite of bread. He chews slowly. Long moments pass and he swallows the bread.</p><p>“You don’t look much like a warrior,” Gustus scoffs and shakes his head.</p><p>When the bread doesn’t seem to have any effect either, Bailey relaxes visibly and straightens up.</p><p>“We will have to wait a moment. Most poisons don’t have an immediate effect,” Gustus points out.</p><p>Lexa takes another sip of water. By now, she is really hungry. She scowls at Bailey and turns her attention to Gustus again.</p><p>“Tell me more about the current threats.”</p><p>“I was told Azgeda prefers to use a dried and ground flower that looks like a herb,” he informs her. “It’s perfect for use with meat. It leaves a burning and bitter taste but once it’s in your mouth, it’s too late. I will inquire about it, it might come in useful.”</p><p>Lexa nods.</p><p>Sweat is pouring down the young guard’s face, beads of it catching in his beard. He has not yet earned any facial tattoos and still has a boyish look to him. Lexa almost feels sorry for him. Almost.</p><p>“Try the meat,” she orders him.</p><p>Bailey numbly reaches for the meat. He bites off a piece and starts to chew. Lexa watches him, herself chewing on a piece of May’s delicious bread.</p><p>The guard suddenly drops the meat and raises both hands to his neck, clutching it. His eyes bulge and his mouth opens as the desperately tries to get air.</p><p>“It’s burning,” he cries. “It’s burning!” Staggering backwards, he spits out the meat he was chewing and falls to his knees. He’s choking, his face has turned a dark shade of red.</p><p>“Get him some water,” Lexa tells Gustus coolly. “And tell May not to use so much pepper next time.”</p><p>Bailey coughs and eagerly grabs the cup of water Gustus holds out to him. He empties the cup in large gulps. He’s still on his knees, leaning on one hand, the other on his neck and he looks like he is going to throw up.</p><p>Gustus starts to laugh. A loud, booming laughter has the huge warrior shaking, his swords clattering on his hip. Bailey looks up with watery eyes, utterly puzzled. He looks from Gustus to Lexa who has finished half a piece of meat already.</p><p>“It really is a bit on the hot side,” she says as she pops a piece of bread in her mouth.</p><p>“This one is not going to be a good replacement for you, Gustus. Have him clean the outhouses for a couple of weeks. Maybe he will find his place.”</p><p>Dismissing the both of them with a wave, Lexa can feel a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. She watches as Gustus helps Bailey up and drags him from the room, sharing one last amused look with her bodyguard, before the door closes behind them. She chuckles and reaches for the second plate of meat. Now she can finish her meal in silence.</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>The kiss is rough. So are Clarke’s hands as they’re tugging on Lexa’s clothes. Clarke bites into her lower lip and draws a moan from Lexa. Her hands run up Lexa’s back and into her hair, pulling her head back to kiss her jaw and down her neck, pausing to suck on Lexa’s pulse point.</p><p>“I want you.” Clarke’s voice is low and husky, heavy with desire.</p><p>Lexa feels another moan building up in her throat as she feels Clarke’s hands slide underneath her shirt, her nails scraping across the skin on her back and around to the front to cup her breasts and press them.</p><p>“I want you,” Clarke repeats, pushing Lexa’s shirt up. She kisses her again, their mouths clashing together, tongues meeting and Lexa finally manages to put her arms around Clarke to pull her as close as she can. She slides her hands down Clarke’s back and into her pants, pushing them in until she feels bare skin. The heat between her legs is unbearable and she wants their clothes off, now. She grabs the hem of Clarke’s shirt and pulls it up, over Clarke’s head, barely breaking their kiss.</p><p>Lexa wakes up. She’s sweating. Damn.</p><p> </p><p>The next day is only just breaking when she walks into the throne room. Titus is there, looking pleased.</p><p>“What is it?” Lexa asks him. She stops in the middle of the room and waits for him to approach.</p><p>When he speaks, her heart drops.</p><p>“Wanheda has left.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No rose does smell as sweet as the one she holds in her heart.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>“Wanheda has left.”</p><p>Titus doesn’t even try to hide the relief in his voice.</p><p>“If you had anything to do with it –“, Lexa growls through gritted teeth. Her hands curl into fists at her sides and she can feel her blood starting to boil.</p><p>“No, Heda, I did not. She packed up and left last night. Her room was unguarded by your order. She went to the stables, unhindered as by your order, requested a horse and was given it. As by your order. You specifically requested that she –“</p><p>“Thank you, Titus, I remember my own order.” Lexa turns away from him, unclasping her hands and trying to steady her breathing. She walks up the stairs to her throne and sits down.</p><p>It’s true. She had put out very clear orders stating that Clarke was not to be hindered in her movements and her requests were not to be denied. Lexa had meant it to allow Clarke to move around Polis freely, not to leave it.</p><p>She leans on one arm, resting her chin in her palm. Titus starts telling her about today’s schedule but she’s not really listening. Her thoughts travel to Clarke. It’s only when Titus raises his voice that she snaps back into reality.</p><p>“Heda?”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Have you heard anything I’ve said?”</p><p>“Stop wasting my time, Titus, just tell me who’s first.”</p><p>She’s not ready. Again. With a tired sigh, she straightens up in her chair to receive her first visitor.</p><p> </p><p>Later that day, she goes to inspect Clarke’s room. The bed has been slept in, she can tell. The few things Clarke had with her when she was brought to Polis are gone. Lexa walks around the room slowly. She has been telling herself that Clarke has gone out for a ride and will come back. Get some fresh air. But in her heart she knows that’s not true. Clarke may be out there alone again with no food and no shelter and no-one to help her. Lexa steps out onto the balcony and finds herself searching for movement between the trees in the distance. Her eye-sight is excellent but even she can only see thick forest. With Mount Weather gone and Azgeda being relatively quiet, it all is as peaceful as it looks. Were it not for Lexa’s aching heart right now.</p><p>She had started making plans for taking Clarke on walks through Polis to show her the city. There are many corners Lexa has never seen herself and Clarke has never been to Polis at all. She has never seen the life in the streets, the regular people, the market stands and taverns. Lexa loves Polis and she loves her people. They were the reason she had left Clarke behind.</p><p>Being the commander, she has become disconnected from the normal life. Maybe now, with the times of constant war over and not much else to do, she can try and reconnect a little. Now that fear is not the first and foremost thing on everyone’s mind, maybe she can be a different kind of commander.</p><p>As Lexa re-enters the room, she spots a sheet of paper on the table. It’s folded twice. She takes it and unfolds it, discovering unfamiliar handwriting. When she recognizes the first word as her own name, she begins to read.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Lexa –</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Here, with you so close, I can’t think well. I will go away for a while so I can breathe again. You were right, I saved my people and you saved yours. In a way, it feels like my initiation and a part of me wonders if you left me there so I would grow into the leader you saw in me. Did you think I would fail? Or were you sure I would find a way? Did you care? I think you did. You are so much smarter than me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I guess I will learn to live with myself again. Remember how I called you heartless? Now I am the heartless one. This is one thing I need to think about. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The other is you. Us. The other night was not some kind of mistake, even if it came from the wrong place. I wanted it. I wouldn’t have regretted it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m going to see my mother and my friends, those who still are my friends. There are things I need to work out on my own first. I feel stronger now than I did when Roan dumped me in your throne room. I was angry but I no longer am. I’m broken but I’m mending. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You know, part of me didn’t even want to write you. But you said if that’s my way of getting back at you, it won’t work. Leaving you in the dark wouldn’t work either. You’d just send someone after me again in the end and we don’t want to start all over with the first step. I don’t. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Under all you armor, you have the kindest heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve taken your map from the table in the library. I’ll bring it back when the time is right.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Clarke</em>
</p><p> </p><p>A lonely tear is running down Lexa’s cheek when she finishes the letter. The paper crumbles in her fist before she realizes what she’s doing and she quickly holds it up against her chest to flatten it again with her hand. She keeps it there, pressed firmly against her heart. She can feel it beating in her chest. It’s so full right now, she fears it will spill over.</p><p>Clarke will be safe. The trip to Arkadia is not that long and Clarke has taken a map and a good horse. She’ll be okay. Had she actually snuck into Lexa’s library and taken the map that had just been updated? Lexa remembers it sitting on the table, she had only just looked at it the day before. She reminds herself to make sure the room is better secured in the future.</p><p>The future. Lexa moves to sit down in one of the chairs. She reads the words again, those about her kind heart. She’s heard it before and ended up having her heart ripped from her chest. Since then she had worked so hard to build a wall around it and lock all doors. So hard that she even forgot to keep a key for the lock. It is Clarke who found it. With a fingertip she traces Clarke’s name on the paper. One day she hopes to see both their names in the same sentence. She likes how Clarke wrote her name at the top. She runs her fingertip up gently to her own name, connecting the two. She can’t see it but she can feel it. They are connected.</p><p>Taking a deep breath, Lexa folds the letter again and pushing herself up from the chair, she gets ready to leave the room. She will preserve it for Clarke. She can come back here and sit for a while. She turns the chair so it faces the balcony. For now, this is all she can do.</p><p> </p><p>The weeks pass and life goes back to a normal routine. Titus seems relieved to see Lexa return to her commander self. The first nights after Clarke’s departure always end with him lecturing Lexa about love and how it is not for her. It is with his words that she finally puts a name to her feelings. Now she thinks about love in a way she never did before. She thinks of it as hers. She has fallen in love with Clarke and no matter how often she is told it’s wrong, she is unable to stop feeling it. And she really doesn’t want to even try. She can’t let it go. Because if she thinks of how warm her thoughts of Clarke make her feel and if she remembers how Clarke’s hands felt on her skin, how soft her lips were ... there’s no way she’s letting that go.</p><p>Her nights have become more restful again and she wonders if she’s getting used to Clarke not being there. Or maybe it’s because she’s sure Clarke will come back at some point. Lexa even tries to escape her duties whenever she is not urgently needed. She has made it a habit to take strolls through Polis whenever she can to talk to her people and watch them go about their days.</p><p>It’s on one of those strolls that she comes across a small garden just off the market square. As she steps in, the noise of the city falls away. Golden rays of sunshine break through the trees and fall on colorful flowerbeds. Lexa bends down to pick a red flower. She lifts it to inhale its scent. She has never much cared about flowers but these are beautiful.</p><p>This is a place she wants to show Clarke. They could bring some food and sit below a tree. The idea makes her smile and she smells the flower again. There is so much she has missed on. She can feel her chest expand as she lifts her head and squints at the bright sun.</p><p>“A rose, commander,” a voice says behind her and she nearly drops the flower. Lexa turns to find May standing there with a basket full of the same flower Lexa is holding.</p><p>“These are roses. I am taking them home to my family.”</p><p>“They’re beautiful,” Lexa says, gazing down at the flower in her hand.</p><p>“Would you like to join us for dinner?” May asks her.</p><p>Lexa smiles.</p><p>“I am treated to your fine food every day, I would not want to impose myself on you and your family on your free day as well.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t be. It would be an honor!” May opens her arm in an inviting gesture. She reaches into her basket with the other and holds up a rose to Lexa, winking at her.</p><p>“Another time, May.” Lexa looks down at the rose she is still holding in her hand. “There is something I need to do.”</p><p> </p><p>When she gets back, Lexa sits down to write to Clarke. For a while she just stares at the blank page. What is it she wants to tell Clarke? What could she tell her that she doesn’t already know?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Clarke –</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have promised to wait and I will keep my promise. You are a child of the sky and up there, there is so much more room than on the ground. I will find spaces for you so that you can breathe. I discovered one today.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When you’re ready, come back to me. I give you another promise: if you bring the key back with you, my heart is yours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Lexa</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She quickly folds the paper and puts a seal on it. Gustus will deliver it to Arkadia; he’s the only one she can trust with it. Clarke knows him so he should be allowed into the heavily secured settlement. Pushing the letter inside her coat, she hurries from her room in search of Gustus. Instead, she finds Titus looming in the hallway leading to the guard’s quarters.</p><p>“Heda, please, a word!“ he calls out when he sees Lexa and scurries towards her. Lexa sighs.</p><p>“Speak, Titus.”</p><p>“Are you planning on going after Wanheda? It might be a good time with her in Arkadia. The Sky People still present a threat and we could wipe them out with the advantage of surprise. They wouldn’t expect an attack now. And at the same time, you would take Wanheda’s power and become legendary.”</p><p>“And you want to discuss this with me … here?” Lexa holds up her hands and looks around. They’re in an open corridor, anyone can hear them.</p><p>“It seemed you were avoiding me. I only want to know about what you’re going to do about Wanheda.”</p><p>“What I do and do not do, Titus, is no longer your concern.“</p><p>Titus furrows his brows and looks at her angrily. This is clearly not what he wanted to hear.</p><p>“Is that anger I see in you, Titus? Are you angry at me? Or are you afraid I will choose another advisor over you?”</p><p>“I beg you to remember my teachings. Love is weakness. To be commander is to be alone. Your feelings blind you.”</p><p>“I will not hear this again.” Lexa stops him before he can once again launch into one of his lectures. He is taller than her but no match for her piercing gaze. He shifts uncomfortably as she moves into his space.</p><p>“You’ve been my teacher for many years and I will always be grateful for what you have taught me. I would not be who I am today without you. But I believe that I can lead and not to be alone. I do not want to be alone anymore. I want someone by my side and I believe I have found this person in Clarke. She is strong, Titus. Strong, brave and righteous. With her, I see more, not less.”</p><p>Titus is taken aback by the poignancy in her voice. The torches lining the corridor crackle in the silence that hangs between them.</p><p>“I did not mean to be disrespectful, Heda,” Titus says, trying to stand his ground. Lexa moves in even closer. He’s trying to move away from her but his back hits the wall.</p><p>“You are holding on to old ways, teacher. When the spirits chose me, they chose a future. You can come with me or you can stay in the past.”</p><p>Titus swallows hard. His lips a thin line, he finally nods.</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>“Have I ever disappointed you?” Her voice softens and she steps back, allowing him to detach himself from the wall. He wipes his hands on his cowl and takes a step to the side, bringing some distance between them.</p><p>“No, Heda, you have not.”</p><p>“And I will not start now. Trust me, like you have always trusted me.”</p><p>“I will, Heda.”</p><p>Titus lowers his head to look at the floor. Lexa looks over his shoulder to see Gustus standing in the doorway to the warrior’s quarters. He’s looking at her with an unreadable expression. When he sees her looking back at him, he walks into the corridor and stops half way between the door and Lexa, waiting.</p><p>“You will not stand between me and Clarke.” Lexa tells the Flamekeeper, lowering her voice so Gustus won’t hear. “Have I made myself clear?”</p><p>“Very clear, Heda.” He realizes she is looking at something behind him. He turns and startles when he sees Gustus standing there.</p><p>“If you excuse me, I have … umm … I have to … go,” Titus stammers and hurries off.</p><p>“Hm, he still doesn’t like me, it seems,” Gustus chuckles, coming closer.</p><p>“No, I guess he doesn’t. Titus doesn’t seem to like much at all.” Lexa watches the Flamekeeper disappear around a bend and turns to her bodyguard, exhaling deeply. Gustus looks at her expectantly.</p><p>“Is there anything you wanted, Heda?”</p><p>Lexa reaches for the letter and holds it out to him. He looks down at it for a moment before taking it and putting it in his pocket.</p><p>“Take this to Arkadia. Find Clarke and give it to her. Only her.”</p><p>Gustus purses his lips and nods. Lexa doesn’t know how much of her conversation with Titus he heard and he would follow her orders no matter what, but she gets the feeling that for once, someone is on her side.</p><p>“I will leave right away.” He turns to leave but then he thinks of something else and turns back, looking at her earnestly.</p><p>“Not all of us think love is weakness. And you deserve it more than anyone else.”</p><p>And then he blushes. Lexa almost rushes to hug him but she can’t do that. Like Titus, Gustus has been with her for many years, watching her grow into a fierce warrior. Still, she knows nothing about this man. Before she can respond, he clears his throat and speaks again.</p><p>“I will be back soon, Heda.”</p><p>“Report to me straight away.” As Gustus walks off, Lexa still thinks about his words.</p><p> </p><p>The warrior returns a few days later, his clothes still dusty from the trip when he finds Lexa.</p><p>“Did she give you a message for me?” Lexa asks, trying to hide her nervousness.</p><p>Gustus bites his lip, then looks at her apologetically.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Heda, no message.”</p><p>Lexa tries to swallow her hope. A simple word would have meant so much to her. She sets her jaw. She can be patient. She will have to be. No stranger to risks, even used to putting her life on the line, seasoned in countless battles, but this is harder than anything she has ever had to do. She hates this, having to wait for a word, just one word, just so she knows what to think.</p><p>“Clarke seems well though. When she read your message, she smiled.”</p><p>It’s just enough to stop her from jumping on a horse to go to Arkadia. Allowing a tired Gustus to leave, Lexa drops heavily onto her throne. She bumps her fist lightly on her chin a few times, then chuckles. Once. Then a second time. Oh, Clarke. Clarke, Clarke, she thinks. You’re driving me mad.</p><p> </p><p>The following week, Lexa spends the evening alone in her room when there’s a knock on the door.</p><p>“Enter,” she mutters irritably. Ready to scold the person who dares to disturb her, she looks up from her book and almost drops it when she sees Clarke.</p><p>Clarke walks a few steps into the room and stops. She holds out her hand, palm up. When Lexa doesn’t move, Clarke walks up to her and puts something down on the table in front of Lexa. It’s a small key.</p><p>Lexa stares at it and forgets to breathe. Her head snaps up and she looks at Clarke in wonder. She had forgotten how those eyes were able to draw all air from her lungs. But her heart, her heart won’t stop thumping.</p><p>“Oh, and here’s your map.” Clarke pulls the map from her bag and holds it out to Lexa. She’s smiling mischievously. “Sorry for taking it.”</p><p>Finally able to move, Lexa gets up and rounds the table until she is close enough to pull the map from Clarke’s hand and let it fall to the floor. She stares at Clarke, trying to think of something to say but not finding the words. Just one.</p><p>“Clarke –“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Who's to blame two fools in love. Clarke gets her say and Lexa gets flustered.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>Clarke’s eyes are the kind of blue that matches the sky. Her mouth opens as if she wants to say something but she closes it again. Instead, she smiles, bigger this time. Her bag drops to the floor.</p><p>Finally, Lexa’s arms close around Clarke. And finally, she feels Clarke respond in the way she has been waiting for.</p><p>Like she’s ready.</p><p>Pressing their bodies together, she buries her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck, inhaling her deeply. Clarke’s arms slide around her, hands moving across her back to hold her tight. They stand like that for a while.</p><p>“You’re back,” Lexa only brings out a whisper.</p><p>She feels a hand move further up and into her hair, fingertips softly caressing the back of her neck. Clarke’s breath on her skin feels warm, the way it’s traveling along her neck and jaw line and then disappears when Clarke lifts her head, letting go of her.</p><p>Lexa lets her hand run down Clarke’s arm and takes her hand, lightly entwining their fingers. Clarke looks a little travel-worn but so much better than the last time Lexa saw her. Her face is fuller, no longer pale and hollow, her skin has a glow to it and she smells like the wind again. Lexa takes in her features, the curve of her mouth that she is desperately trying to stay away from. Her own lips part as her eyes travel back up to see Clarke waiting patiently, allowing Lexa to drink her in. If ever Lexa has been looking for something reassuring in Clarke’s eyes, she can see it now.</p><p>She leans in, hesitating at the last moment, waiting for Clarke to close the last small gap between them. When their lips meet, Lexa closes her eyes. The kiss is soft and only lasts a heartbeat but when they part again, their mouths linger close together, a smile spreading between them and pulling them back in. The second kiss is no less soft but deeper with Clarke’s tongue gently pushing against Lexa’s lips until she opens them, though barely, only allowing a quick swipe inside her mouth. The smile spreads wider and Clarke chuckles.</p><p>“Hi,” she breathes across Lexa’s lips. </p><p>Lexa moves her head back enough to look at Clarke. So many words travel between them with no sound uttered. There’s a cloud of calm inside Lexa’s chest, spreading through her body and into her head, making her feel slightly dazed. It feels nice, intoxicating and addictive but also overwhelming. Without even using the key, Clarke has torn down her last defenses and Lexa can tell from looking at her that Clarke knows.  She wanted it. But now it makes her nervous.</p><p>“Did you have a good trip?” Lexa asks, needing to put something between them. She needs to break away from Clarke before things get out of hand. The trembling of her voice is a sure sign and she does not yet know where they stand.</p><p>She can see Clarke’s lips twitch with the hint of a smile at the question. Lexa is still holding her hand and she tugs at it now, maneuvering Clarke to the couch to sit down. Sitting down will be less precarious than standing together so close.</p><p>“Have you eaten?” Lexa asks once they sit. Their knees are touching, she makes sure of that so Clarke knows she’s still with her.</p><p>“You don’t always have to take care of me. I’m fine. I just came up straight away because I wanted to see you.”</p><p>Lexa grins and when she realizes, she tries to wipe the expression from her face. She doesn’t even know why she’s trying to look less like a fool, she feels like one. It makes Clarke laugh.</p><p>“What is the matter with you?”</p><p>I’ve spent weeks thinking about you, Lexa wants to say but her mouth won’t cooperate. Weeks of thinking and wondering and longing for you and worrying about my heart and about yours and then you suddenly show up here and kiss me like that and I’m … weak: I’m weak and I’m scared. She sits up straight and tilts her head down slightly because sitting like that makes her taller than Clarke.</p><p>“I’m fine, Clarke. And it seems spending time with your people did you well.”</p><p>Clarke’s smile freezes at the sudden change in Lexa’s demeanor. She hesitates for a moment but when Lexa doesn’t do anything else, she shrugs.</p><p>“It did. It helped me a lot to put things into perspective. I needed to see those that lived because I let others die.”</p><p>They’re still holding hands and Lexa pulls them into her lap. Clarke shakes her head, her face serious now.</p><p>“To be honest, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s done and can’t be changed.”</p><p>She grows silent and lowers her head. Lexa studies her for a while. The room is quite warm but Clarke’s hand feels cold in hers. She had asked for a fire to be lit in the fireplace against the chilly draft coming in through the windows. She looks over at it now, watching the embers jump up and die, the flames licking at the wood. She wonders if she needs to get up to add more wood.</p><p>She drops her gaze to their hands and grazes her thumb across the back of Clarke’s hand, drawing lazy circles.</p><p>Clarke jumps up all of a sudden, startling Lexa, leaving her hand empty. She grabs her bag from the floor where she dropped it, rummaging around in it until she finds what she’s looking for. She sits back down, unfolds the paper and shows it to Lexa. It’s her message.</p><p>“Here I am,” Clarke says simply, pressing her lips together. Their eyes meet again and silence settles between them. It feels a little awkward and Lexa shifts uncomfortably. There’s so much she wants to say to Clarke but she doesn’t know how to start. It’s strange to keep wanting to touch her and at the same time being so wary about it all. The ‘I fucked her’ runs on repeat in her head and Lexa has to look away because she can see it in burning letters when she looks at Clarke now.</p><p>“Who is Niylah?”</p><p>“Oh.” The hands holding Lexa’s message drop to Clarke’s lap.</p><p>“Tell me about her.”</p><p>“Lexa –“</p><p>“Please, Clarke.”</p><p>“I was … it was … it’s not that big of a deal.”</p><p>Lexa purses her lips.</p><p>“Did you see her again?” she asks quietly, staring at her hands because she doesn’t really want to know the answer.</p><p>“I never took you for the jealous kind,” Clarke replies.</p><p>“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.” Lexa clicks the K distinctly.</p><p>“Sorry.” Clarke’s shoulders fall and she moves her knee away from Lexa’s. The piece of paper in Clarke’s lap slides to the floor. No, no, no, this isn’t going right. Lexa reaches for Clarke’s hand again, pulling her closer and putting her other hand on her cheek to look into her eyes.</p><p>“All this time, since before we went to Mount Weather, my heart has been yours. I know that you wanted to hurt me because you were hurting. But I don’t know what it means … for us.”</p><p>Clarke blinks a few times and nods her head.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Using both her hands, Clarke starts to describe the things that happened while she was on her own, her voice going from grief to bitterness to excitement. It hurts again. Lexa hears about her struggle to survive, trading kill for other supplies and meeting Niylah, about the panther, Roan showing up and Niylah sending him on a false trail.</p><p>“I am grateful to her for saving you,” Lexa says bravely to fill the gap of quiet after Clarke has ended that part of her story. It’s something she doesn’t want to say but feels she has to because it’s the right thing, but she doesn’t have to say her name out loud again. Niylah did protect Clarke even if she protected her from being taken to Lexa. If Roan hadn’t been so stupid, Clarke would have been with her sooner and Lexa wouldn’t have to sit here and listen to the rest of the story. Her heart is throbbing painfully in her chest, reminding Lexa of its presence despite her desperate attempts to ignore it.</p><p>“We wanted to make sure Roan was far enough away before I left the trading post.”</p><p>We.</p><p>“Killing the panther was a close call. He got me too and Niylah offered to look at the wounds. It turned out, she had known who I was all along.”</p><p>So this is when they ended up in bed together. The throbbing stops.</p><p>“Is that when you slept with her?”</p><p>For weeks, Lexa has been trying to ignore what Clarke told her, telling herself she had just said it to hurt her and it wasn’t even true. That Niylah doesn’t really exist. Now the ghost of her is being dragged from the shadows of the night in Clarke’s room that had been meant to be healing and had ended with both of them hurting.</p><p>“Yes. Once. I left in the morning and didn’t return.”</p><p>That’s all she says. Lexa looks around to find her cup of water on the table but out of reach and she doesn’t want to move.</p><p>“Do you like her?” Lexa barely manages to press the words out. She bites down on her lip and tries to swallow the bitter taste in her mouth. It sticks to the back of her throat.</p><p>“I was not in a good place, Lexa. It happened and I can’t even explain how … it just happened. I was lonely and she was there.”</p><p>Lexa allows the words to settle in, wondering if they will be enough for her. Heat flares up in her stomach and she has the sudden wish to call Gustus and send him to the trading post. Just to make sure.</p><p>Burnt wood collapses in the fireplace and the sound makes them both look up. Her anger dissolves when Lexa looks back to Clarke. The dead are gone, she muses, so is the past. And Clarke is here with her now. There’s the deep thinking crease between Clarke’s eyes again. Lexa considers reaching over to smooth it out. But then Clarke shifts, pulling one leg up on the couch so she can turn towards Lexa even more. When she speaks again, it's hushed.</p><p>„In a way, I have always been in love with you. At first, I was intimidated by your power and your ruthlessness. You were so beautiful, Lexa, so fierce, you took my breath away and I tried not to show. I wanted to be near you and at the same time, I hardly dared. You challenged everything I have ever known, even my feelings. And then I realized what you were doing.“</p><p>Her voice, steadier again now, has taken on a husky note. The one Lexa used to love and that Clarke had only ever used when they were alone together. The words come one by one, they fall heavier than before. They matter more.</p><p>„You were trying to show me who I could be. At Mount Weather, you chose your people over mine because the time was not right to call them yours yet. You wanted them to be but even you can’t force what people feel. We grew up in space where everything was always clean and clear. We thought we were better and not meant to be part of something so barbaric.”</p><p>Lexa blinks a few times at that. Barbaric. Clean? As in 'not clean'? Clarke grimaces at her own choice of words.</p><p>„Sorry.“</p><p>Lexa nods slowly.</p><p>„It’s okay. I understand.“</p><p>„Of course you do. You understand everything.“ Clarke’s voice trails off as she looks at Lexa.</p><p>“You’re beautiful.”</p><p>“Clarke, I –“</p><p>Clarke’s hand flies up, hovering between them just below Lexa's face.</p><p>„No, now you listen to me! You will hear me out before you get to say anything!" she bursts out and after a small pause tacks on: "Commander.“</p><p>She drags the last word, then stops and waits for Lexa’s reaction. Stifling a smirk. They’ve always had this little game with Clarke being slightly disrespectful towards Lexa because she knew she could get away with it. Always crossing lines that were not meant to be crossed by anyone but caring little about them because those rules never applied to Clarke.</p><p>Quite a challenge herself. So Lexa says nothing. Her mouth closes and tilting her head to the side, chin up, she waits.</p><p>A few moments pass before Clarke speaks again. Her hand is still raised and she’s not taking it down, just closing her fingers into a loose fist.</p><p>„I’ve thought about this for weeks. What to tell you and how to say it. But the truth is, all I want to tell you is ...“</p><p>Clarke falls silent again. She drops her hand. Blue eyes searching Lexa’s and Lexa just wants to dive right in. She couldn’t care less for titles right now, for customs or modesty and she’s about ready to throw her patience out too. The room feels very warm all of a sudden.</p><p>“She was meaningless. But you are not.”</p><p>“Clarke –,“ Lexa says helplessly, lost for words. Her mind is trying to process what Clarke just said and what her response could be. But she's still not able to get a word in because every time she opens her mouth, Clarke lifts her hand and Lexa obeys.</p><p>“That night,” Clarke continues with an unsteady voice, her eyes darting over to the bed and back to Lexa, “I wanted to make love to you. I thought you were there for me and I wanted you there and then you pushed me away.”</p><p>“You said I was making you feel bad.”</p><p>“I wanted you to make me feel better.”</p><p>“You should have said that instead then.”</p><p>Clarke looks at her crossly. Uh oh.</p><p>“Are you sure you’re no longer angry with me?” Lexa asks cautiously.</p><p>“Maybe a little bit.”</p><p>She sniffles. Lexa reaches out, touching Clarke’s leg. Is Clarke really expecting her to reject her? Has she not made it clear with her note? She leans to pick it up from the floor.</p><p><em>If you bring back the key with you, my heart is yours</em>, it says. Lexa puts her hand on the words, looking up to see Clarke’s eyes fixed on her face. The key still sits on the table, glistening on the dark wood, and waits to be picked up. Lexa takes it and puts it back into Clarke’s hand.</p><p>“You had the key the whole time,” she says softly and she puts her palm over it to make sure it stays where it is. “Didn’t you know?”</p><p>“Are you angry with me?” Clarke asks instead of answering, pulling her hand out to look at the key. She puts it back on the table.</p><p>Lexa sighs deeply.</p><p>“Why would I … is this going to be a battle of questions?”</p><p>“Why is this even a battle?”</p><p>“Clarke –“</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>Lexa pulls her into a kiss, this one a little more heated. If she is not allowed to say anything, she will have to find other ways.</p><p>“If you don’t shut up now ...,” she mumbles against Clarke’s lips. She can feel Clarke’s smile. Turning her head slightly, she moves closer, hearing the sound of paper crumpling between them. The kiss slows with Lexa dragging her lips across Clarke’s, then pressing them down softly. There it is again, her heart beating.</p><p>Clarke’s hands come up behind Lexa and she pulls at her until they end up in a half lying and very uncomfortable position. Lexa’s hands are trapped underneath Clarke and she struggles to free them, reluctant to break the kiss. She finally manages to pull her hands out and lifts herself off of Clarke to breathe, even if that means she has to end the kiss.</p><p>“Where do you think you’re going?”</p><p>Clarke looks up at her with a pout.</p><p>“I’m going nowhere, niron,” Lexa says tenderly, the loving term is out before she can stop it. She props herself up on one arm, allowing them both to adjust their positions into something more comfortable. She leans down to kiss Clarke and again for a second kiss. Clarke lets her head fall back onto the couch and looks up at the ceiling. Lexa leans in to place a series of soft kisses onto her throat and Clarke purrs.</p><p>“Lexa?”</p><p>Her throat vibrates below Lexa’s lips.</p><p>“What?” she murmurs between kisses. Now that she’s started, she can’t stop. Clarke’s skin is so soft. She moves her mouth to her collarbone, kissing Clarke there.</p><p>“Lexa!”</p><p>“Mmmh.”</p><p>Her hands runs over Clarke’s stomach and slips underneath her shirt.</p><p>“Heda!”</p><p>Lexa’s eyes fly open at Clarke’s loud voice.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Will you have me then?” Clarke lets go of Lexa to look at her earnestly.</p><p>"Clarke –“, Lexa’s throat is suddenly dry. No raised hand to stop her this time. There is only one answer and for all the words Lexa has thought up for this moment, two words hold them all.</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>The last bit of tension is gone at that. Lexa realizes it when Clarke pulls her down, places a small kiss on her forehead and wraps her arms around her tightly. Lexa rests her head on Clarke's chest, feeling the steady up and down. She closes her eyes. There is no sound other than soft breathing and Clarke’s heartbeat lulling her in. The soft crackle of the fire. The warmth. Clarke’s love. Suddenly, Lexa feels exhausted. Tired, talked out, but safe. Drowsy.</p><p>“I don’t want to fall asleep here,” she hears Clarke's sleepy voice in the distance.</p><p>Lexa untangles their limbs and scrambles to get up. She holds out her hand, helping Clarke up and pulling her into her arms.</p><p>“I could carry you over.”</p><p>“I know,” Clarke chuckles into her neck. “But I’ll walk.”</p><p>Getting into bed, Lexa realizes that Clarke has chosen the same side she did all those weeks ago when their world was still chaos. Smiling, she gets under the furs and snuggles close. She slides her arm around Clarke who takes her hand and pulls it up against her chest.</p><p>“Good night, my love,” Lexa whispers softly.</p><p>“It will be.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Stop talking already ... right?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One night, weeks ago, Lexa was taken by surprise by a woman in her bed who wanted more than she wanted to give at the time. Time has passed, a lot of talking has been done, now they are tired … or are they?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>This time, when Lexa wakes during the night, she's not surprised to find Clarke so close. They have slept a few hours but Lexa feels wide awake now. She's still snuggled up to Clarke's back, the other woman asleep in her arms. She stirs a little when Lexa pulls her hand free, using it to push Clarke's hair aside so she can kiss her neck. She rubs her cheek gently on Clarke's shoulder and is about to settle back in when she feels Clarke stir.</p><p>"Where are you?" she mumbles sleepily, leaning back a little more against Lexa's chest.</p><p>"I'm right here," Lexa says gently, running her hand down the curve of Clarke’s waist and onto her hip, stopping there for a moment before moving back up. This must be one of her favorite parts on Clarke’s body, she thinks. But there are many and Lexa longs to explore them all. Clarke's shirt rides up part way, dragged by Lexa's hand, and on the second trip down Clarke's hips, Lexa feels the warm skin underneath her fingers. Hesitating for only a heartbeat, she moves on to Clarke's stomach, briefly brushing her fingertips across, causing Clarke to shudder.</p><p>"Hey, what are you up to?"</p><p>"Do you want me to stop?" Lexa pushes her body against Clarke to stop her from rolling onto her back. Her hand isn’t moving but she spreads her fingers a little wider, covering a larger area of soft, warm skin. She likes the feel of it in her hand.</p><p>“Mmm, no, don’t.” Clarke hums in appreciation when Lexa grazes her fingers across the sensitive skin on her hipbone, just briefly, before sneaking her hand up towards Clarke’s chest.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep? You were so tired, maybe I should let you rest.” Lexa says, nibbling on Clarke’s ear.</p><p>“Lexa?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>Lexa smirks and obliges happily. Her hand travels slowly up to Clarke’s chest until her fingers touch a soft breast. She continues to run her hand across a nipple and Clarke inhales audibly. Her breast fits Lexa’s hand perfectly and she squeezes it, drawing another gasp from Clarke followed by a quiet moan. She does the same with Clarke’s other breast, enjoying the weight and the lushness. She plays with it, lifting it gently and running her hand over it, brushing her thumb across the hard nipple a few times. Just to listen to Clarke make that little noise.</p><p>It does things to Lexa. She can feel something in her ignite and her hips push forward more to connect with Clarke’s butt. She leans to kiss Clarke’s shoulder, still covered with her shirt and growls unhappily when she realizes there’s a barrier of fabric. She grips it with her teeth and pulls but has to use her hand as well to finally get to the skin underneath.</p><p>“Someone is impatient” Clarke points out mischievously and Lexa’s hand returns to her breast, rolling her nipple between her fingers. Clarke moans again. Lexa likes the sound a lot and repeats the motion to draw it from Clarke a few more times, applying a little more pressure as her own desire grows. She can feel herself getting wet and she wonders if Clarke is too.</p><p>She slides her other arm underneath Clarke’s upper body, putting her hand across Clarke’s chest, holding her in a tight grip. She uses it to pull herself closer, to press her body into Clarke’s full length. Her other hand moves back down Clarke’s belly and she grabs her hip, pulling her back while her own hips press forward. There is not a hint of resistance from Clarke, instead she seems to melt into Lexa’s touch, moaning quietly.</p><p>Lexa brings her lips close to Clarke’s ear.</p><p>“I want you,” she whispers.</p><p>She moves a leg over Clarke’s hip, opening her own center, becoming fully aware of the wetness between her own legs. But for now, her needs do not matter most to her. Sliding her lower leg between Clarke's knees, she uses it to pry Clarke's legs open a little more. With her left arm still holding Clarke tightly, she moves her right hand along Clarke’s inner thigh where her skin is smoother than anywhere else. She hooks it underneath her knee and opens here even more. She holds her like that for a moment to see if Clarke is comfortable. The ease with which Clarke’s body allows the restriction is all the confirmation Lexa needs to continue.</p><p>Clarke is ticklish, she realizes, when she runs her fingertips lightly back up and across Clarke’s hip bone, along the rim of the underwear. Clarke jumps, although not much because she is effectively tied down. There’s this one spot on her hip bone that has Clarke twitch whenever Lexa touches it. She toys with it for a moment, enjoying a little giggle from Clarke. Once again, she leans in to kiss her shoulder, sucking lightly on the skin.</p><p>Lexa has waited so long to finally be with Clarke, it fills her with awe to be allowed to now and that is why she doesn’t just take her the way she wants to. Clarke is giving herself to her, Lexa can feel it even if it has not been said, and for that, she feels honored.</p><p>And she doesn’t plan to disappoint. She presses another soft kiss to Clarke’s shoulder and moves her hand between Clarke’s legs.</p><p>There's a definite wet spot on Clarke's underwear now. She can feel it. A little moan escapes from Lexa's lips and she quickly muffles it by biting into Clarke's shoulder. She presses her palm down on the wet spot, causing Clarke's hips to move up to meet her hand. Lexa needs to feel her. Running her fingers across the fabric, she makes sure a fingertip rubs between the lips, before she drags it up and slides her hand inside Clarke's underwear in one fluid motion.</p><p>When she first touches Clarke’s hot wetness, Lexa gasps. Clarke’s moan is obscene and Lexa can feel the heat rush to her own center. For a few labored breaths, she can’t move, the scorching heat of Clarke’s pussy overwhelming her. Then she slides a single finger through the soft folds, adding another and running it back up, slowly circling Clarke’s clit.</p><p>“Be mine,” Lexa rasps, her reward being another breathy moan.</p><p>She adds a third finger, stroking them gently over Clarke’s hard bud. She can tell by the sinful movement of Clarke’s hips that she likes what Lexa is doing. If only she could kiss Clarke, she would want to drown in her mouth. She lets her fingers slide around Clarke’s opening, finding it so well lubricated that she enters her slowly, pushing two fingers in as far as they go. Clarke’s hips jerk up to meet her hand.</p><p>“Oh yes …” Clarke starts to move her hips in a slow rhythm, matching Lexa’s gentle pace. Lexa can feel her muscles tightening around her fingers and curls her fingers slightly, pulling them out before pushing them in again slowly, running them up and down Clarke’s inner walls.</p><p>"Fuck me, Lexa, I need you!"</p><p>Something snaps. Something falls into place. Lexa lets go of Clarke’s upper body to lift herself up and lean across Clarke to find a better angle. She tears at the piece of cloth that limits her movements and finally rips it off. Her fingers slip back into Clarke and she pumps them in hard a few times making Clarke moan in time with her, losing herself completely in pleasure. Then she pulls them out, rubbing her whole palm across Clarke's clit a few times before catching herself.</p><p>“Clarke --” Lexa feels dizzy with desire. She hadn't wanted to be rough and stops moving altogether for a moment, to catch her breath and listen.</p><p>"Please --" is all she hears.</p><p>Clarke is so wet and her liquid heat is covering Lexa's whole hand as she resumes a slow circling motion, taking Clarke's clit carefully between two fingers, gently now. She turns her head to see Clarke looking up at her with wide eyes, every second breath accompanied by a moan as Lexa varies the width of her circles, dipping into Clarke’s opening every now and then but focusing her attention on Clarke’s clit. She wants to eat this woman up. Lexa cranes her neck, feeling Clarke’s arms slide around her neck and drawing her into a deep, luscious kiss.</p><p>Clarke moans into her mouth. They’re both panting, the air around them shimmers with desire. Lexa dips her head to pull one of Clarke’s nipples between her lips and flicks her tongue across it. Clarke is almost there. Her whole body stills and starts to move and stills again, pressing her hot center against Lexa’s hand. Then she arches her back and throws her head back and comes with a cry, her hips twitching and Lexa slows her movements, making her touch softer and softer until she stops and puts her hand down to hold Clarke in her palm.</p><p>“What … oh … I can’t ..,” Clarke stammers, trying to find the breath to speak. Their bodies are covered in a thin layer of sweat. Despite the chill in the room, they have thrown all furs off. Lexa grabs one and pulls it over them as she settles beside Clarke, cradling her into her arms.</p><p>“Shhh.” Lexa puts her head on Clarke’s chest, listening to her heartbeat, fast still but slowing down. Deep, strong beats.</p><p>“I’m not going to let you get away with this,” Clarke tells her with a sultry voice as she runs her hand through Lexa’s hair. Lexa can’t help but smile.</p><p>“First we rest and tomorrow …,” she pauses, raising an eyebrow to herself. Tomorrow you can have your way with me.</p><p>“I’m not going to wait until tomorrow,” Clarke tells her, pushing Lexa off and climbing on top of her.</p><p>“I don’t need rest. Do you?” she asks with a smirk as she pushes Lexa’s shirt up to run her hands across her belly. She leans down, licking her way up from her belly button to Lexa’s breast, sucking the nipple into her mouth and letting go of it with a pop.</p><p>“You --,” she sits up and points her index finger at Lexa, “are wearing too many clothes.”</p><p>Lexa sits up to pull her shirt over her head and wriggle out of her underwear, hearing it tear as she jerks at the fabric. As soon as she leans back, Clarke is on her again, kissing her greedily. She slides down, leaving a hot, wet trail on Lexa’s belly. Clarke stops to grind her hips down a couple of times, rubbing herself on Lexa’s tight abdomen and Lexa can feel her pussy drip at the sight. She reaches for Clarke’s breasts to knead them and pushes her hips up to offer more friction. Clarke closes her eyes and her head falls back. Then she grabs Lexa’s hands and presses her breasts into them before pulling them away.</p><p>“Oh no, it’s your turn now,” she says, moving down further and settling between Lexa’s legs. With one last look she leans down to press a hot kiss to the inside of her thighs. She sucks gently, making Lexa squirm. Lexa briefly wonders if she enjoys losing control like this. The thought loses all meaning with the first strokes of Clarke’s tongue on her impatient clit.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning, Lexa opens her eyes to see Clarke smiling at her. Their faces are close, their noses almost touching. Sunlight is dancing in Clarke’s tangled hair. Lexa can’t help but smile back. Clarke giggles. Lexa can’t help it, she joins in.</p><p>“This feels good,” Clarke says, looking deeply into Lexa’s eyes.</p><p>Lexa opens her mouth but closes it again. Her heart is overflowing. Three words push against her lips, wanting to get out. Lexa swallows and runs her fingertips across Clarke’s lips. She will have to leave soon, start her day.</p><p>“That’s a dirty mouth you have there,” she says.</p><p>Clarke’s eyes widen, she opens her mouth to protest but then just starts to laugh.</p><p>Lexa likes herself like this. She has never been known to make jokes but Clarke somehow drags them from her just like she makes her smile all the time. Right now, she feels carefree, as if there is not an army of council members and advisors waiting for her outside.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Clarke looks at her with a frown.</p><p>“Nothing, my love. I just –“, Lexa sighs and decides to stick with honesty. “I enjoy being here with you and I really want to stay but I will have to leave soon. I have a council meeting and …”</p><p>Clarke silences her with a soft kiss. Lexa can still taste herself on Clarke’s lips.</p><p>“We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it all out, Lexa.”</p><p>She kisses her again, letting her tongue dive into Lexa’s mouth. It’s a slow kiss, bringing back memories of the past night and making Lexa’s head feel dizzy again.</p><p>“You will figure it all out, you’re smart as hell.” Clarke tells her when the kiss ends. She pushes Lexa away playfully.</p><p>“Go. See if you can find any intact clothing.”</p><p>It makes Lexa laugh again. She gets out of bed and the first piece of clothing she picks up is her underwear. She can’t put it on again, there’s a long tear along the seam. She sighs, making them both laugh again. How anyone could ever think it could be any person’s destiny not to have this kind of happiness. She turns back towards the bed to find Clarke letting her eyes roam shamelessly all over her naked body.</p><p>“You are breathtaking, you know that?”</p><p>Lexa grabs a pillow and throws it at Clarke.</p><p>“Stop distracting me. I must get ready.”</p><p>“I didn’t do anything!” Clarke puts the pillow behind her head before slumping back into it and drawing the furs up to her chin with a pout. Lexa almost climbs back into bed with her. But she must go now. Her hair needs a helping hand and she must clean herself up, she’s sure the scent of their night together lingers all over her body.</p><p>Half an hour later, she is fully dressed and clean, leaning down to kiss a still sleepy Clarke once more before heading out.</p><p>“I’ll find you when I’m done. There’s something I want to show you.”</p><p> </p><p>The little garden looks just like it did when Lexa found it. She puts the little basket down beside a tree and motions to Clarke to sit down on the grass.</p><p>“Go enjoy yourself, Heda,” May had told her with a wink when she handed her the basket filled with fruit and her famous sweet cakes.</p><p>Before sitting down next to Clarke, Lexa goes to pick a rose and hands it to Clarke.</p><p>“Here. Smell.”</p><p>Clarke lifts the flower up to her nose.</p><p>“Mmmh, nice,” she says with a smile spreading across her face. She has hardly stopped smiling since Lexa returned to her today.</p><p>“I have been told they don’t grow anywhere else. As rare and beautiful as you are.”</p><p>Clarke blushes, trying to hide it by lowering her head.</p><p>“I want you to feel at home here, Clarke. With me.”</p><p>Flustered Clarke is another of Lexa’s favorites. She lets her eyes wander across Clarke’s face, remembering the way she looked sitting on her last night and has to stifle a grin. Clarke looks over her shoulder towards the entrance to the garden.</p><p>“Did you really bring guards?”</p><p>“I don’t want to share this with anyone but you. The rest of Polis can have the roses whenever they want. Right now, I want it to be only us.”</p><p>Clarke leans back onto her hands and lifts her head to let the sun warm her face. She takes a few deep breaths, then opens her eyes again to look at Lexa.</p><p>“Is this one of the spaces you found for me so I could breathe?”</p><p>“Yes.” Lexa nods, leaning back against the tree trunk. She holds out her hand and Clarke takes it. She squeezes it gently.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>The warmth makes Lexa feel drowsy soon. She remembers closing her eyes and must have dozed off because when she opens them again, Clarke has her drawing pad in her lap. Her hand moves slowly, drawing long, wavy lines.</p><p>“Oh, you’re awake,” Clarke stops drawing and looks up.</p><p>“I’m sorry, did I sleep long?”</p><p>“Only a little while. I’ve been … you looked so peaceful.” She puts her hands on her drawing when she sees Lexa trying to catch a glimpse of it.</p><p>“It’s not finished yet,” she says with a shy smile. Holding Lexa’s gaze, she clears her throat. She puts the pad down and scoots closer to Lexa.</p><p>“Do you want to go back soon?” she asks with an innocent look on her face, reaching for Lexa’s hand and putting in on her breast. Lexa turns bright red. She’s on her feet in a flash, gathering the contents of the basket and putting them back inside.</p><p>Clarke reaches for her hand as they leave the garden, pulling Lexa to a stop and leaning in to press a quick kiss to her lips.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>She yelps in surprise when Lexa drops the basket, then picks her up and swings her around in a circle.</p><p>“Lexa, stop! What are you doing? Put me down!”</p><p>Lexa stops but doesn’t let go of her. The guards have turned around at the noise but quickly turn back when they see the two of them. Lexa doesn’t care. There won’t be a second Bailey.</p><p>“I won’t, Sky Girl. I won’t ever let you go again. Because --,” she lets Clarke slide down until her feet are back on the ground but still holds her tight.</p><p>“ I …,” Lexa kisses her.</p><p>“Love …,” she kisses her again and then looks at her, pushing a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke's ear.</p><p>“You.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, this is the end. With a laughing and a crying eye. I’ve had fun with this.</p><p>Allow me one last note: thank you for your comments and kudos and for never once saying anything about the errors and typos. Comments are always welcome :-)</p><p>sencire.tumblr.com</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
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            <p>This image was flagged as adult content on tumblr. I'm not going to comment on that. But I'll add it here as a little bonus. It was made for this story and belongs to it.</p>
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